I was 21 before I tried to ask if not wanting to have sex was normal. I remember laughter, because what a stupid question, of course everyone wants to have sex at some point in their lives. I remember jokes being made about my ex and how he clearly wasn’t doing a good enough job. I remember laughing it off, grabbing another drink and moving the topic swiftly on.
I love Christmas, and I love to love Christmas. I love the fact that the entire month of December means Christmas. I love that every house has fairy lights up, and that makes everywhere look more welcoming and homely. I love that the dark is less dark, that we let a little bit of light in at one of the darkest times of the year. I love that it becomes okay to stay in with blankets and watch telly. I love that the TV is 90% reruns of everything that is good in the world.
I’ve been dealing with the suffocating sense of being lost. When your plans for the year change radically it shouldn’t be surprising that you tend to feel out of place or somehow that you fell off the map of life. I feel as if all the cards have been thrown up into the air and I’m still waiting for them to fall. Do I know what I’m doing? Absolutely not. Do I know what I want to be doing? Sort of. Sometimes.
It felt like the start of autumn, the leaves finally turned orange and yellow and it finally got cold enough to warrant jumpers AND coats and even a scarf on a particularly chilly day. Looking back I appeared to do a lot in October, I applied and got a seasonal job, I applied and didn’t get a fixed term job. I officially suspended my studies for the year from university, I met one of my heroes and listened to her talk science for 2 hours, I ran the fastest I have ever ran 10K and I spent 5 days on holiday. For someone who doesn’t like to be busy I was surprisingly busy.
This is almost as late as it could possibly be but September was pretty darn busy for me and I finally have the time to really sit and go through the stuff that happened this September.
Since I moved back home after graduation I have been dealing with feeling lonely, and being alone. I have moved from a city where 99% of my friends lived, and no one was ever more than a 15 minute walk away to a town where 1% of my people live and I don’t know how to connect to them again properly. I have become more used to being alone, but have also felt so very very lonely. These are vastly different feelings for me. The first definition of lonely I found was this – ‘affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone’. However, the first definition I found for alone was this – ‘having no one else present; on one’s own’. Being alone and being lonely are two very different things.
I’m having a bit of a crisis of faith in myself. I am terrified that I am making all the wrong decisions and not doing everything that I should be. I feel like everybody I know has already done something since graduation: they’ve been travelling all over Asia, or Europe, they have done amazingly well for themselves and got a grad job, they’ve got married or moved into a their own house. I have spent this summer slowly doubting everything I’ve done. I haven’t left the country, I haven’t done anything spectacular, I haven’t volunteered or found a placement. I’m living at home for the foreseeable future with no real idea of what career I want to go into. I went on a two week holiday with my family and spent the rest of the time at home, reading, running and generally just spending the days doing not much at all.